Dudley's Diary: 1996
by AineRose
Summary: Just as the title say! Dudley grows up a teeny bit this year, and might gain a bit of respect for his cousin.
1. 4th December

December 22nd, 1996

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Breakfast: Bacon and eggs, Pudding.

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Lunch: Pizza and chips

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Dinner: Roast beef, roast potatoes, Yorkshire pudding, carrots (yuck!) 

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Desert: Apple tart and ice cream.

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Supper: Steak and kidney pie

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Tea:Tea, biscuits.

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Sweets: None! How am I supposed to live with only this much to eat every day? How will I survive? How will I stay fit for my boxing championship next month?! I'm going to die! They want to kill me!

Dear Diary,

It's really not funny. Having a cousin who could kill you at any given moment. Who lives in your house, disrupts the whole family, and makes us shameful. Lots of stupid people in Privet Drive (that's where my house is) say:

"Oh Dudley, he's just a boy!"

OR

"What has he ever done to you?"

OR

"He's only half your size."

Did any of them have a pig's tail coming out of their bottom? No! But I know. He killed an evil wizard, didn't he, when he was only one. When I asked my mum about that, she got really angry, and sent me to bed without supper. I couldn't believe it! I thought I was going to starve to death!

It's Christmas, so _he's_ gone and Dad works late. I was watching telly when I smelt Mum's gorgeous baking. Mum's been acting weird, too. All jumpy and nervous. Something to do with what happened to Harry and me last year, and that guy who killed his parent's or something. I'm not sure. I wasn't really listening! But I do know that Mum's really scared. And when Mum's stressed or scared she always bakes. Cookies and flapjacks and cakes and tarts and puddings- so it's not all that bad!

Anyway, I was sitting at the table, watching telly and sampling a pear tart. It was lovely- with icing sugar sprinkled on top and little bits of apples mixed in, Mum knows what I like! So there I was, watching telly and this guy called David Black or something came on. He's a _magician_ that everyone watches on telly but when Mum saw it she went ballistic. Harry says he doesn't even do real _m****_ and here Mum is going mad. She gets all angry and sad at then same time. I didn't know what to do! My tart was finished but there were some cupcakes there and I moved on to those. Anyway, Mum calmed down but I think she was still mad. I kept thinking of magic and I realised I really wanted to know more about it. If they don't do card tricks what do they do?

I said this to Mum and she went redder than dad does. Then she burst into tears. Turns out it was Harry's mum's birthday that day. How was I supposed to know? I haven't even seen her! I wonder what it's like for Harry, not knowing what your own mum looks like. 

I think I must have said that last bit out loud 'cause mum went up into the attic, got all these pictures, and showed them to me. They weren't of Harry's mum though; they were of mum and dad's wedding and stuff. There was one of Harry's mum though, at Mum's some family party, or wedding. She was really smashing looking, with curly red hair and big eyes. She had a better figure than mum. The man beside her looked exactly like Harry. He had glasses and messy hair but he didn't have a big, ugly scar. Hey, I just realised something! If my mum is Harry's Aunt then am I Harry's mum's Uncle? 

Mum says I should do a good deed everyday of Christmas so I'm gonna give Harry that picture for a Christmas present. It will be quite easy because that bird of his comes every year, looking for presents. I don't think he knows though, because he never says anything about not getting anything. I think Mum's getting him something, too. I saw her buying woollen socks last week, and my shoe size is way bigger than Harry's is.

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Dudley

PS Mum's just told me that Harry's Mum is actually my Aunt! Does that make me her husband's (Harry's dad's) niece?

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Dudley,

I'm not exactly sure what compelled you to send me this photograph but thanks. It means a lot to me. To answer your question, yes I know what my parents look like because one of their old friends gave me a photo album with all their pictures in it. This is the first stationary one though! I've decided to ignore the bits you said about my mum-she's my Mum! And your Aunt! Like I said, thanks, and thanks to Aunt Petunia for the socks and hat. Tell her it can get quite cold here (somewhere in Scotland) and my cloak isn't warm enough. Enclosed is a bag of Pumpkin Pasties. Don't worry, they're not magical, and they won't jinx you or anything- they're just sweets! Don't be afraid of Hedwig, she won't hurt you if you don't insult her!

Merry Christmas,

Harry.

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Compelled: _to compel._

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1: to drive or urge forcefully or irresistibly  
**2**: to cause to do or occur by overwhelming pressure  


Photograph: a picture or likeness obtained by photography

Stationary:_ adjective_   
**1**: fixed in a station, course, or mode: Immobile  
**2**: unchanging in condition 

Scotland: Usage: _geographical name_  
Country N Great Britain; a division of United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.

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Enclosed: **1a (1):** to close in: surround enclose a porch with glass 

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(2):to fence off (common land) for individual use b: to hold in: confine  
**2:** to include along with something else in a parcel or envelope a check is enclosed herewith 

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	2. 8th December

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Breakfast: Kippers, bacon and eggs, tea

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Lunch: Pizza, extra toppings.

Second Lunch: Steak and Kidney pie

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Lunch Dessert: Pudding

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Saturday, 13 December 2003

1 p.m.

Dear Diary,

People think it's fun to be as strong and strapping as I am but they're wrong. I go through a lot to stay this handsome. Like eating six meals a day. I don't think anyone realizes how hard that is. There's lifting involved, and chewing and swallowing and digesting! They just don't understand. 

Like last week, I asked Sarah Lion out. Sarah is the prettiest, most popular girl in the whole school, (Not my school, of course, she was home from boarding school for Christmas, her school) so of course I knew she would like me. She's right fit. Her hair is blond and wavy and she has long legs and a very nice chest. She's perfect! Anyway, I asked her out and you know what she did? She laughed! At _me_! And all her friends started laughing too! And then she said I would have to lose some weight and get smarter and become nicer before she went out with me. And then she said -and would you believe this- "Maybe you should follow your cousin's example. He may be crazy but he's not bad-looking!" and started giggling. How is it that half the girls like Harry, even though I told them he was mad? When I'm home for summer all the girls always ask me about him. Stupid Harry! I bet he uses magic or something to make them like him. Maybe he'll mess it up some day and a pig's tail will grow out of his arse! I hope so! 

I can't wait for Christmas! I've asked Father Christmas for:

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1. A bike

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2. A new computer (with at least 10 games)

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3. A fishing rod

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4. Food (so I won't die of starvation because of my stupid diet!) 

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5. A new TV

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6. A new punching bag (Harry's gotten too fast!)

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7. A gun (Dad says he'll take me hunting)

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8. A pet turtle

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9. A swimming pool in my own back garden (so all the girls will think I'm dead cool!)

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10. A pony

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11. A pocket computer

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12. A portable Gameboy

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13. A pair of binoculars (the new girl who moved in next door is well fit!)

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14. A mobile phone

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15. A motorbike (but I won't let Mum find out!)

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16. At least 32 surprises

I posted my letter yesterday. I hope it gets to Lapland in time! I told Father Christmas I'd beat his reindeer up if he didn't give me everything I wanted.

I got another letter from Harry. It said not to eat the Pumpkin Pasties he gave me because somehow those twins who gave me a big tongue managed to curse them! He gave me a box of '_Sugar Quills_' instead. They were nice. And I still have a normal sized tongue. I didn't tell Dad I had eaten them though 'cause he would have gone mental but I asked Mum and she said I could eat them if she tried one first. I think she likes them. She said that once Harry's Mum's friends came over and put a spell on her _Mars Bar_ and it made her sing non-stop for three days. I feel sorry for them. I wonder if they had to buy earmuffs. I've heard Mum sing and it's not pretty! I didn't tell Mum any of this though. I'm not stupid.

By the way, I was right. Mum did send Harry socks, and a scarf but she said if he weren't grateful she would make him live in the cupboard under the stairs again. Luckily (for Harry, I mean) he was very thankful and even a little shocked. He even thanked Mum for remembering Gryffindor Pride (whatever that is) and not giving him something green to match his eyes. I think Mum knew what he was talking about. I didn't. Stupid wizards. Harry says he won't be coming home this Easter either but he never comes so why did he write it? Some people are weird (obviously!). 

Aunt Marge is coming tomorrow so Mum is fussing about. She made me get my hair cut and I'll have to wear a bow! I'm not twelve anymore! I'd better get a lot of money before this is over!

Anyway, I've got to go! It's time for my second lunch and later we're going shopping for a Christmas tree (Mum doesn't want a real one anymore 'cause she says it messes up the living room. Honestly!) I've _enclosed_ (see that!) Harry's other letter too.

**__**

Big D 

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Dear Aunt Petunia and Dudley,

Thank you Aunt Petunia for the scarf and socks. I'm glad you got me red clothes because everyone always gives me green and I can't wear it because of my Gryffindor pride. If a Slytherin were to catch me wearing their House colour I would be unbelievingly ashamed. 

I should warn you Dudley that Fred and George Weasley managed to somehow infiltrate my trunk when they came to visit us at Hogwarts and those Pasties I sent you may be hexed. If you do eat them and happen to turn into a canary, don't panic- they wear off after around five minutes.

I hope Uncle Vernon's aright and give my love to Aunt Marge (Ha!). I'll see you in July (I'll be staying at Hogwarts for the Easter break). 

Merry Christmas again,

Harry 

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PS_ Say hello to Mrs. Figg for me. _

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Gryffindor: Not in my stupid dictionary so it's probably a bad word or Harry made it up. Stupid Harry!

Slytherin: What I said before.

Infiltrate: to pass or cause to pass into something through pores or small openings; to pass through or enter gradually or stealthily. Infiltration_n_**.**

Canary: _n_**., **_pl_. **-ies** A green or yellow songbird which is popular as a caged bird.

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Written

Sat, Nov 8 2003


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